Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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