Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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