Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
