Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
