I could have mohawked her pubes.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
