Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
