I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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