Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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