a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
there is puke in my bra ... again
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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