Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
