I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
