dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I cockslap morals
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
