I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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