She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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