i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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