you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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