Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
