I am puke
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
