Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
