Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
We need to rekindle our bromance
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i came on her dog
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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