i think my mom watched the whole time
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
