So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
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