i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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