i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
