Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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