I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
