i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
