I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
