I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
