He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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