I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Randomize
