The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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