Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
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