i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
