I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
