K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
