You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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