genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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