I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
