I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
