I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
