Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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