bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
