Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Boobs are out for the taking
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
