I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
