Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
