I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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