Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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