If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
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