come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
